Now that I do a lot of public speaking, I am flying a lot - two or three times a month. There are a lot of perks to travel, like expensive hotel rooms and a break from my kids. But my favorite perk is meeting sales guys.
Warning: here come generalizations with no data to back them up. Most people who fly on Sunday night and Thursday night are consultants - all those young people who clawed their way to the popular starter jobs at Deloitte and Ernst & Young. But most of the people flying during the week are speaking or selling, and the people in those careers who travel a lot are men. So it’s no surprise that I’ve been meeting a lot of sales guys.
It’s great for me, because I was not born with good social skills, I’ve learned them. So I see the time on the airplane as a time for learning specific tips from people who make a living from having good emotional intelligence.
Here are three things I’ve learned from the sales guys I’ve met.
1. Count how many times you interrupt someone.
If you ask a sales guy why they are good at sales, they always say they are good listeners. And then, in fact, they display those skills during the flight.
I am not a good listener. I spend the flight hearing myself interrupt. Constantly.
It sounds like a moment that is bad for my emotional intelligence work, but really, it’s good. It’s good because it allows me to go to the next step, which is asking myself why I am so reluctant to wait to hear what someone has to say. That’s where I am now - asking myself that.
And I think I’m on the right track, because I think better social skills come from asking yourself better questions about why you are the way you are.
2. Learn to read very specific types of language.
Last week I was having lunch with a guy I met on a plane. He will have a fit when he reads this because the first thing someone with high emotional intelligence tells me when they sit down with me is that I can’t write about them in my blog.
We were talking about what his company could do for a blog strategy, and I was thinking about how I could convince him that his company should pay my company to do something. And Mr. Salesguy asked me a question, and I didn’t like what the answer was going to be, so I started trying to think of another answer.
And he said, “Hey, are you going to lie to me right now?”
I said, “What?” I tried to say it in an incredulous way, but in hindsight I’m sure I just sounded panicked.
He said, “When you ask someone a question, if they are right-handed and they look to the left before they answer, then they are trying to recall the information. If they look to the right then they are trying to make up something new. You looked to the right.”
It was so smart of him. Because for the rest of the lunch I was very honest. Not that I’m not honest in general, but I basically gave the first answer that came to my head for everything because I was so nervous that I wouldn’t be able to control my eye movement. It’s a great way to get the upper hand in a conversation.
I can’t wait to catch someone else in this act.
3. Stop thinking your situation is special. It’s not. Rules are useful to everyone.
Here’s another thing I learned from sales guys. They ask the same questions everyone else asks on the plane, like, “Are you going home or leaving home?” I would feel stupid asking that, because it’s so conventional, but it works as a way to start a conversation. Every time.
These routine conversations are just social conventions to allow strangers to start talking. Which drives home to me that social conventions are there to help.
Take something as simple as holding a door for someone. Social convention says do it if someone is right behind you. But the rule is actually just there so the door doesn’t slam in someone’s face.
A lot of times, people think that their particular situation is so complicated that you can’t have rules - you just have to wing it. This is where having a threesome comes in.
I get a lot of books in the mail from publishers who want me to write a review. When I got The Threesome Handbook by Vicki Vantoch, I thought the publisher had gone nuts. But I noticed she is a sex historian and she writes for the Washington Post. So I took a look at the book.
And it turns out that a threesome is actually a very complicated social situation, and the best way to make sure everyone stays happy is to have rules that people follow. I’m not going to into the intricacies of negotiations, but chapter four is called “Strategies for Navigating Freak-outs, Jealousy, and General Messiness.”
And, winging it actually means guessing what people want. But guessing is hard.
So asking for rules is important, listening is important, practicing very specific skills is important. Also, making a public commitment to having better social skills is important, which is why, I think, I blog about this topic so often.
Comments15 Comments »
Three cheers from a recovering interrupter. I think the tendency to interrupt is driven by a need to influence or claim power (I am so smart, listen to THIS!). What it really does is the opposite. In the past 5 years or so I have been trying to replace it with silence. Silence is an amazing power tool - you look like you are listening (because you are) and you give pause, appear to consider your response (because you do) and because so many people can’t stand silence or a noticeable pause, it can be used as soft pressure.
I only half believe the eye thing - I have heard it before, but true or not, it put you on notice that he was listening to more than your words and you felt compelled to be measured and honest so in the end, it was the fear that it might work that was actually most effective.
Not sure about the threesomes - that is dangerous ground for sure. Every time I hear that, I can’t help but recall what a friend said - something about one person trying to drive two cars cross country…
Great post, Penelope. I’ve noticed recently that I am almost always interrupting. I started tracking that after meeting my boyfriend, who is by far the best listener I’ve ever met in my life. I started falling for him because he asked such thoughtful questions when we first spoke that I knew he was really listening to me in a way I’ve never experienced with anyone else, male or female.
I always thought I was a great listener. Now I know I am pretty lousy at it. I think one of the reasons I interrupt so much is because I get very anxious around stangers. I am an introvert (but just barely, I learned after getting a Briggs Myer test) and worked and work hard to learn better social skills over the past 10 years. So, when I interrupt, it’s often because I’m working hard to show the other person I am smart and funny. When I interrupt people I know well, it’s usually because I am not listening to them and my brain is racing as they speak.
I’ve made a real effort now to ask more questions and let people answer them, give some space between each time we speak instead of running over it. I usually still interrupt but less so than when I thought I was a “great listener” and now I notice when I’m doing it.
I’m in publishing where I’ve learned how to edit written text from my colleagues but it’s the people in sales who I watch for how to listen and talk to others.
As for rules, I think one of the hallmarks of true adulthood is realizing and then accepting that you are not that unique and most rules and social conventions are there for a reason. Adults who don’t get that are a nightmare to deal with.
I too am not very good at socializing in fact I have struggled with it through school and not having gone away to college I missed out on that social opportunity and now I have come to a point where I am just tired of not being able to be social. I am so much better at expressing myself in writing.
I guess I am always scared of putting my foot in my mouth so that has made me a very good listener but in turn I have become very quiet and I find that I am not sure what topics to bring up. I am getting better but it hasn’t been an easy road. Thanks for the post, very encouraging!
I just started teaching a class and last night was my first class. I tend to think that I have good social skills. I can talk to anyone and I can make people laugh. I learned quick that social skills fluctuate based on audiance non verbal feedback - if you get good feedback your on your way…but if you concentrate on that one person that gives you nothing, absolutely nothing, your game goes down. So what do you do, try to involve them, ignore them, focus on someone who has positive non verbal feedback? I chose the latter and it seemed to work.
I can’t stand people who interrupt me when I talk. People like this are generally self-centered (duh). When I encounter someone like this, I deal with it and try to get out of the conversation ASAP. If I encounter someone like this in a social setting around other people, I actually get REALLY annoyed because I want to hear what other people have to say so I generally jump in and make a brave statement like “WAIT.. Jane was saying something, I think we ALL want to hear what it was!” And, I usually have to do this 2 or 3 times before the self-centered person actually gives up with their boring story.
When will you be speaking in Florida? Jacksonville or West Palm Beach
Another excellent post!
I have a friend who is an excellent salesman. He also has, by far, the best social skills of anybody I know. I’ve tried to learn from him and emulate his behaviors with some success. It takes work and requires a lot of self awareness.
Your post brought back memories of when I was in sales. However, I guess I reacted to traveling a bit different than the sales guys you have been meeting (who are probably thinking of the other definition of screw than the one Susan Johnston wrote about). Rather than hit on the passengers next to me, I relished the alone time. After spending hours being up and energetic; I loved the quiet lunches and dinners(when not taking out clients) and especially loved the airline flights when I could read a book or get caught up on magazines. I never understood the drones typing away on their laptops; there is always time to do email, sales reports, etc.
Since your career (with what I can see are your strengths and weaknesses) seems to be moving towards a more public speaking/spokesperson route instead of strictly content driven; what do you think the effects on your lifestyle are going to be? You’ve written before about how happy you are with your lifestyle choices. I left sales when my son was born (and to switch careers in order to enter public service). What happens to your lifestyle when those flights become 7-8 times a month instead of 2-3?
I love this post, so much to think about. I wonder if the annoying people who think they are special also secretly think they are inferior, or sometimes come over as thinking they are special because they are trying to cover up how inferior they feel. But, whatever- pretty much everyone could use better social skills, because it’s basically about being a nice person and connecting constructively with others, and the sky is probably the limit there.
Thanks for highlighting interrupting- I am horrible at that, for the exact reasons Joselle mentions I think- so, very useful.
I am having a very difficult time reconciling your third point with the majority of your published career advice — i.e. ignore conventions or (many) universally accepted rules of interaction/conduct in the workplace. In fact, I know of few seasoned (mature) professionals (or for that matter non-professionals) that don’t intuitively adhere to all three points. Taking into consideration many of your prior posts, I find your observations here either an epiphany or a Gordian Knot.
Asking where people grew up is one of my favorite, most rewarding openers, much more satisfying than “what do you do.”
I have a bad habit of interrupting, which I am training myself out of. It’s not a matter of not caring about what the other person is saying, although I know it can come across that way. It’s more a case of getting excited by social stimulus and the conversation triggering lots of ideas.
The other thing that can be awkward is when two people start talking at once. For this reason I think I tend to be better when interacting with just one other person than in a bigger group.
Sometimes I do have to interrupt for work - when I’m doing interviews (I’m a journalist) and the interviewee is not answering the question or is being too long winded and there is a time constraint.
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This is a brilliant piece of conversation.
Regardless on what actually happened, you suddenly felt like your lunch partner could see through your un-truths, and he cared.
And you don’t really need “to catch someone else in this act” to tell people that (a) you care that they don’t lie to you and (b) it’s not really that hard to spot a lie.
“And he said, “Hey, are you going to lie to me right now?”
[…]
It was so smart of him. Because for the rest of the lunch I was very honest. ”
This is a brilliant piece of conversation.
Regardless on what actually happened, you suddenly felt like your lunch partner could see through your un-truths, and he cared.
And you don’t really need “to catch someone else in this act” to tell people that (a) you care that they don’t lie to you and (b) it’s not really that hard to spot a lie.
Try to learn from good sales guys, I have met some really horrible ones. I am not a sales guy but watching a good one work is like watching a magician, truly amazing.
I wish I had the threesome book in college! ;-)
Posted by HiTechDad | January 16, 2008